This isn’t a beauty/food/travel post. Today I want to talk about something that actually matters, which is mental health. It is currently 11 AM, at 9:30 AM I woke up having a panic attack. The following is an account of that. I just feel like I need to talk to someone, so why not a bunch of strangers.
This panic attack was somehow caused by a dream (a lucid one ) in which I had lost my backpack and was frantically searching for it. This backpack contained my wallet, passport, ID cards, bank cards, documents, sentimental things , etc. I could not find it anywhere and the people in the dream (friends/family) were more concerned about having fun than helping me, so I lost it in the dream. Lo and behold, I lost it in real life too. I was jolted awake because I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and when I woke up I found myself gasping for air and having a really fast heart rate. I am not sure how long that was happening before I actually woke up. I felt very distressed, confused and upset. I was sweating and could not see well in front of me. My head was throbbing and my hands were tingling. After about 20 mins I was able to calm down and have had a migraine ever since.
I have dealt with anxiety for a very long time. I have dealt with depression for an even longer time. Although I have had the latter under control for a while, I still struggle with anxiety quite a lot. During the last month or so, I have experienced a lot of anxiety for no particular reason. If you ever see a shift in my posting, or feel I am not as enthusiastic in a post, this is usually why. I have generalised anxiety disorder; which, in a nutshell, means that I feel anxious about day-to-day things.
For instance, If I have to go to the bank, I will think about that trip to the bank the whole week, every hour, till that trip comes. I will plan out the day and what I will be doing on that day, in my head. I will be thinking about who I have to talk to and how long it will take me to do what I need to at the bank. I will think about how relieved I will be after I am done with the bank. I will literally worry and think about every single aspect of this bank trip, from getting there, to being there and finally leaving. No matter what else comes up during that week, this will be in the back of my mind, till it happens. Now imagine having that excessive thinking process for every social gathering, work experience, family experience…everything in life. It is exhausting let me tell you. In this example, I would usually go to the bank as soon as humanly possible, just to get it over with and stop all these thoughts about it. I rush to finish or do all the tasks that can give me anxiety, just so I can relax for a bit. I will think about it day and night (hi insomnia) until it happens. If for instance something comes up and I can’t go to the bank on first day of the week when It opens, I get very distressed and have to re-evaluate my whole week.
It’s a shit show, I know that . I wouldn’t wish anxiety on my worst enemy, especially the kind that literally interferes with everyday life this much. Medication does not work for me and makes me feel completely out of touch with reality. I try to deal with it myself through diet and exercise, but the only thing that has helped me in the past is vigorous exercise (as in running and doing weights every single day to the point where it was an addiction and I felt like my world would fall apart if I stopped – yes I know I have ‘issues’ ha). My physical health is not at a point where I can do such exercise now. So, I don’t really know what else to do with myself.
I often feel alone in dealing with anxiety. My ‘friends’ are not the type of people you could pour your heart out to, they either judge you or remain silent and awkward because they do not have any mental health issues and cannot relate. Especially so because they see me as someone who has their shit together, who is confident, a go-getter etc.So when I say, hey guys you have no idea how hard I try everyday to be that person and put on a show, when I literally feel like I can cry at any moment, it doesn’t usually go over very well. Moreover, mental health is a taboo subject (especially in this part of the world), so people literally do not talk about it. My parents do not really understand my anxiety and just want me to take any medication to make it stop, so it does not interfere with work, which to them comes above all else. They are both doctors, so they do not sympathise or understand me-they just want to ‘fix the problem’. The only people I can talk to , to some degree are my siblings, but even then we don’t discuss it often because again, it is seen as taboo.
If you are reading this far, I am assuming you can relate to my case to some degree. I hope this post gave you some solace in knowing you are not alone, I know anxiety can feel like a very lonely, scary place. Maybe this post didn’t make a lot of sense, I am not sure, I was literally just writing words as they came to me, because I just needed to talk.
Thank you for listening to my rambles.